Author: Melissa X
Story Title: Love That Bard
Characters: Gabrielle & Joxer, Xena & Autolycus, Lila & Jett, Callisto & Jett, Najara & Jett, Ares & Discord, Discord & m
Rating: R
Summary: Joxer happens upon Gabrielle and Xena while Xena prepares to go off on a mission.

The characters belong to Studios USA and Renaissance Pictures and were used without permission. No copyright infringement was intended and no money was made.

You can check out Melissa's Site Ironican Temple


Love That Bard
By Melissa McMahan A.K.A. Melissa X

Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus, Lila, Jett,
Cupid, Najara, Callisto, Minya, Ares, Discord and Aphrodite.


Inside a small cave Xena packs Argo's saddle bags, as Gabrielle bathes in the small hot spring only a few feet away. Xena looks over at her sidekick.

XENA: You worry about me too much. (Cocks her eyebrow) Don't.

GABBY: Why don't you tell me not to breath?

XENA: Sorry Gabrielle, but I cannot tell you about this mission.

GABBY: I know, this one you don't need your sidekick.

XENA: Maybe I'm just trying to get away from your sarcasm for a few days. (Chuckles) Ah, it was just a joke.

GABBY: Meanwhile I'll be bored! (Sighs) Nobody to talk to even and for how long?

XENA: As long as it takes. Besides the nearest town is only half a day away on foot. You can work on your scrolls. (Hearing something) Shhhh!

GABBY: What is it?

Xena waves at Gabrielle to be quiet, she grabs her sword and stands by the mouth of the cave. She hears footfalls and some creaking noises. Xena then hears her snare snap outside and a far too familiar scream.

GABBY: No, it couldn't be...

XENA: I'm afraid so. (Walking out) Outta of the water.

Gabrielle grabs her ragged towels and coves herself as best as she can, before she exits the cave. She finds Xena standing with her arms crossed looking at Joxer. He's hanging upside down from her snare by his feet.

XENA: Look what I caught? (Gabrielle smiles) Mmm?

JOXER: Could you let me down, please?

GABBY: I don't know I kinda like him this way, don't you Xena? (Xena nods) Yeah!

JOXER: Very funny. (Gabrielle walks underneath Joxer)

XENA: Are you ok, Joxer?

JOXER: I hope so or I won't be much use to you two ladies.

GABBY: Who said you were much use to us anyway?

JOXER: Hey?! (Looking were Gabrielle's towels aren't)

XENA: He'll keep you from being bored while I'm gone.

GABBY: Him and me alone?! (Xena lowers Joxer) Right?

JOXER: I'll do anything you ask of me, Gabby?

GABBY: Anything?! (Giggles) Hum?

XENA: You two have fun. (Walking off) Uh, huh.

Joxer rolled over to stand on his feet, when to his delight he noticed he could see up Gabrielle's towel. Until she reached over to get him out of the rope.

GABBY: There is a lot of stuff I could use two extra hands with. (Joxer smiles) But you do what I say when I say it. Understand?

JOXER: Yes, Gabby.

GABBY: I gotta go get dressed, you can start by getting some wood. (Walking off) I'll be right back.

JOXER: I'll be waiting. (Looking around) Yes ma'am.

Xena starts loading Argo and Joxer walks up to her.

JOXER: So how long are you gonna be gone?

XENA: Down boy, you're playing with fire.

Xena gets on Argo and rides off.

JOXER: Yeah! (Rubs his hands together) I know!

Gabrielle puts her top on and walks out of the cave. As Joxer puts the firewood in a pile, he stops to take his shirt off. Gabrielle stops in her tracks. She finds herself gawking at him as he works, then he sees her and smiles. She walks up to him.

GABBY: That's more than enough wood, Joxer.

JOXER: What else do you want me to do?

GABBY: Well I think you need to cool off, before I have you do anything else. (Grabs Joxer's hand) Come sit with me and we can talk.

Joxer finds himself sitting next to her on a big rock.

JOXER: I need to jump in the water, I'm sweating.

GABBY: It's not bothering me.

JOXER: No? (Gabrielle nods) So what should we do?

GABBY: Whatever I want. (Gives him the look) Just sit here with me, until I say otherwise.

Joxer waited for Gabrielle to say something else, but she didn't. She just sat there, looking up into the sky. Joxer then found himself looking her over, until she looked right at him and her eyebrow went up.

GABBY: Joxer?! (Scoffs) What are you doing?!

JOXER: Nothing. (Gabrielle cocks her head) Um?

GABBY: You were checking me out!

Joxer sheepishly looked away.

GABBY: Joxer?

JOXER: Well I... Um, I... Ok, I was.

GABBY: How long have you felt this way about me?

JOXER: Always. (Looking back at Gabrielle) I love you.

GABBY: Huh? (Shocked) You love me?! Um, why?!

JOXER: I don't know why. I just know I do.

GABBY: Oh! (Thinking) That explains a lot.

JOXER: Um, does it bother you?

GABBY: No, as a matter of fact I've found myself growing very fond of you. (Sighs) I can't say if I'm in love with you, but I do love you. I love Xena, but that isn't the same either. We are kinda like a family, but I can't seem to keep my lips off you I've noticed. (Giggles) I think I've always known how you felt, but never... Well I don't know how to say it.

JOXER: Just spit it out. No, just say it, I don't want you throwing up on me again.

GABBY: Hey, I was sick! (Sighs) Besides you knew I was in pain and you were letting me suffer.

JOXER: Xena's the one who tied you up.

GABBY: Both of you can be such bitches.

JOXER: Look who's talking?! (Chuckles)

GABBY: Well, yeah, but you two ask for it!

JOXER: Uh, huh? You still haven't told me about how you wanna handle this.

GABBY: That's because I don't know, really.

JOXER: What do you mean by that?

GABBY: Well, I have considered you as more than just some guy who hangs out with me and Xena. Autolycus is a big jerk and he tags along sometimes.

JOXER: He has a thing for Xena.

GABBY: Duh! (Giggles) I think it goes both ways, but he really gets me mad. You do too, it isn't the same. My sister Lila having a crush on you, it bothers me. You and Meg bothers me. (Sighs) I can't say why.

JOXER: You think you might be...

GABBY: I! (Sighs) I think I might be, but I'm not sure.

JOXER: So do we remain just friends or what?

GABBY: Friends yes, always. (Holds Joxer's hand) I...

JOXER: You want some time to think about it?

GABBY: I don't have to think about it, Joxer!

Joxer looks down fearing what Gabrielle will say next.

GABBY: Don't be hurt. (Lifts Joxer's head) Please?

JOXER: How can I not be hurt?

Gabrielle moved her head slowly to Joxer's and kissed him. Joxer found himself lost in her arms, as her kiss became more intense. Gabrielle ended up in his lap.

GABBY: Wow! (Pants) That was very... Um... Very...

JOXER: Hot?! (Gabrielle nods) I agree.

Gabrielle grabbed Joxer and kissed him so hard they fell over onto the ground. Then she found he had passed out. Adjusting herself she bent over him.

GABBY: Joxer? (Slaps him lightly) Joxer?

Gabrielle looks at Joxer laying shirtless and out cold. A smile came over her face, as she ran her hand over his bare chest. Her eyes landed on his bulge and soon after so did her hand. Joxer didn't respond, so she knew he wasn't being a big faker. Curiosity got the best of her and she found herself about to take off his pants when he awoke catching her in the act.

JOXER: Gabby?!

GABBY: Um, I just...

JOXER: I know what you were just...

GABBY: Alright, I'm sorry. (Sighs) I shouldn't of...

Joxer looks at Gabrielle as she makes some faces, then he sits up. Gabrielle rolls her eyes.

JOXER: Well not that you shouldn't of, but I wanna be awake for what ever you had in mind.

GABBY: Joxer?! (Turning red) You're not gonna let up on me with this are you?

JOXER: No. (Kisses Gabrielle) Do you want me to?

Gabrielle started kissing Joxer again.


Xena made her way into a town's inn. She found that all the rooms were taken, but had a meal. After she was done she started out and ran into Autolycus.

AUTO: Hello?

XENA: Mmm?! Autolycus, you wouldn't be staying here would you? (Crosses her arms) All the rooms are full.

AUTO: As a matter of fact I am, you wanna share my bed?

XENA: As a matter of fact I do, you wanna help me with my mission? I could use someone with your many skills.

AUTO: How can I say no?

XENA: I think I could use some bed rest first.

AUTO: Then by all means follow me.

Xena follows Autolycus up stairs to his room and she lays down her side on the bed. He just looks at her.

XENA: Join me? I'll only bite if you want me to.

AUTO: That depends on where you bite me.

XENA: Only one way to find out. (Dryly) I'm waiting.

Autolycus crawls in the bed next to Xena and they kiss.

AUTO: I don't think you're going to get much rest.

XENA: I know I'm not.


Lila was picking up a few items for herself, being that she was home alone while her mom and dad were out of town on a romantic week in India. Since hearing how Gabrielle and Xena enjoyed it they wanted to go see it themselves. Lila was heading back when she stopped and turned to see Jett, who she believed was Joxer. He was looking over some knifes, as she walked over.

LILA: Hi, Joxer. (Smiles) What are you doing here? (Jett squints his eyes) Is my sister and Xena with you?

JETT: Your sister? (Pauses) Gabrielle? (Snickers) No.

LILA: Your alone?

Lila licks her lips and Jett gets the idea that she must like his brother too. An evil grin comes over him.

JETT: Not anymore. (Acting like Joxer) Nope.

LILA: You wanna go back to the farm with me.

JETT: More than anything.

WOMAN: Hi Lila, Joxer!

LILA: Hi. (Walking with Jett) By the way we'll be alone. (Sighs) Mom and Dad are off in India.

JETT: Well, this just keeps getting better.

Jett and Lila get to the farm, she starts cooking. Jett sits and watches her.


Gabrielle stops and catches her breath, as Joxer reaches over to her legs.

GABBY: I wanna, but I'm not sure we should.

JOXER: Why not? (Pouts) Gabrielle?

GABBY: Because the only man I ever had was my husband.

JOXER: Well I guess I'll go take a dip in the cold lake then. (Sighs) I'm not going to force you.

GABBY: You don't have to do either.

Joxer's jaw drops as Gabrielle starts taking off her clothes slowly for him. He starts to blush, but his eyes stay on her movements. She pauses and smiles.

JOXER: Are you trying to drive me crazy?

Gabrielle giggles and tosses her top on his head.

GABBY: Crazy with desire! (Smiles) Do you want more?

JOXER: You know I do.

Gabrielle takes off her skirt even slower.

GABBY: Well am I everything you've ever dreamed of?

JOXER: Better! (Gasps) Lots better!

Gabrielle sits next to Joxer and helps him undress.

GABBY: Whoa! (Gasps) It's so big.

JOXER: Thank you.

GABBY: Take me, Joxer. (Pants) Now!


Joxer slaps himself, still not quite sure he can believe what is going on. Gabrielle grabs his hand and sucks on his finger tips, then forces his hand down between her breasts. She raises an eyebrow and lowers his hand lower, as Joxer shivers.

GABBY: Joxer? (Sexily) Are you going to take me or do I have to restrain you?

JOXER: Gabby why do you always wanna tie me up for?

GABBY: Mmm, because... (Laying on top of Joxer) You look so cute when you're helpless.

JOXER: I... I do?!

Gabrielle answers Joxer with a long kiss. She then moves over to his ear and down his neck. Joxer crosses his eyes as her body rubs on him, as she kisses down to his chest.

GABBY: I want you to do something?

JOXER: Wh... What? (Gabrielle smiles) What?!

GABBY: Tell me one of your fantasies about me? (Sighs) While I...

JOXER: You're kidding right?

GABBY: No. (Giggles) Come on Joxer, please?

Joxer starts to tell Gabrielle.


Ares pops in on Minya as she cleans the barn, he taps her arm.

ARES: So you wanna be like Xena huh? (Minya nods) Come with me.

A few moments later the barn is empty and Jett leaves the farm house with a spring in his step. Autolycus grabs his chest, breathing hard as Xena finishes him off. She lays beside him slithering up next to him snake like, she falls asleep. Autolycus plays with Xena's long black hair. Jett walks down a small road, then is stopped by Callisto.

CALL: Well if it isn't Xena's little friend, the jelly fish.

JETT: You know you look like a real woman of action, but you also look pretty uptight. (Smiles)

CALL: I have a better idea. Where you are, the irritating blonde follows and Xena follows her. So all I have to do is keep you with me and soon Xena will be mine.

Callisto grabs Jett who she thinks is Joxer and they head off.


Minya find herself with Ares in his temple. Discord is yelling next and a guy starts shagging her right in Minya's sight.

MINYA: Oh my gods! (Gasps) Wh... Why am I here?

ARES: As you can see Discord has been too busy to do her job, so I'm making you her understudy.

MINYA: I'm gonna be a goddess?

ARES: Only until she's finished with us. (Chuckles) Who knows how long that will be.

DISCORD: Ares?! It's your turn again!

ARES: Have fun. I know I will. (Yells) Coming Discord!

DISCORD: Not yet! (Giggles) I'm waiting!


Callisto gets to her camp and tosses Jett on the ground, she undresses in front of him.

CALL: I have time to take a dip in the lake I'm sure.

JETT: Untie me and I'll scrub your back for you.

CALL: You have grown a back bone, haven't you? (Looking at Jett) Something in the eyes?

JETT: No my twin bother Joxer, he is still a jelly fish. I'm Jett the assassin.

CALL: Jett the assassin? I have heard of you, the jelly fish and you do look alot a like.

JETT: Xena wouldn't come for me no matter how long you keep me here.

Callisto unties Jett, she waves him way. However Jett grabs her and looks at her deeply.

CALL: I could kill you, easy!

JETT: Right back at you, but why rid the world of such a beautiful and sexy woman?

Callisto and Jett kiss, she rips at his clothes. They end up in the water pawing at each other.


Minya finds Aphrodite's temple and goes in. Cupid and his mother are fighting over the subject of love, they stop when they see her. Before anything could be said Najara runs in not seeing any of the gods before her. She hides behind a bunch of flowers, Xena and Autolycus run looking for her. Minya walks right between them, but they don't see her.

APHR: Cool huh?

MINYA: I am a goddess! (Gasps) Wow!

CUPID: Just don't step on our toes, you won't be one for long you know?

MINYA: Only if you two do something about Joxer, he's acting strange.

APHR: Studmuffin is strange.

MINYA: I'll explain later.

Xena sees Najara and points her out to Autolycus. They both lunge for her and drag her out screaming. Minya chuckles, then Cupid and Aphrodite join her. Xena ties Najara up and tosses her over Argo. They head off down the road with her.


Jett lays Callisto on shore.

JETT: It's been fun, but I'm not into the whole love thing with you.

CALL: Neither am I. (Gasps) But feel free to not love me anytime you want.

JETT: Perhaps. (Walking off) Right now I need to find an inn for my rest. (Laughs) Three in one day.


Joxer feel back from Gabrielle, as she tried to get him to get hard again.

JOXER: I can't do it again, five times is too much to ask.

GABBY: Please? (Kissing his neck) One more time?

JOXER: Lots more times, but not now. (Sighs) You're gonna kill me.

GABBY: They won't be able to pry the smile off your face.

JOXER: Gabby?! (They both laugh) You are soo... Bad, but soo... Good.

GABBY: I have many skills. (Giggles) So do you.

JOXER: Really?! (Gabrielle nods) Thanks.

Xena and Autolycus come upon Joxer and Gabrielle who run to hide behind the bushes.

AUTO: Whoa! (Chuckles) I think we're seen enough.

GABBY: Go away Autolycus, can't you see I'm naked?!

JOXER: Yeah, we're naked. Go away Autolycus!

XENA: Like I wanted to see your lily white butt, Joxer. (Rolls her eyes) You two get dressed, we caught Najara and took her in. It seems she and your bother Jett...

JOXER: My bother?! (Gasps) There's trouble.

Minya, Cupid and Aphrodite pop in. Minya sees Joxer with Gabrielle in the bushes.

MINYA: Najara, Lila, Callisto and now Gabrielle?! (Scoffs) Joxer?!

GABBY: No Jett, his bro... (Gasping) Lila?! My sister?! (Hits Joxer) Your brother soiled my sister!

JOXER: Hey, it's not my fault! (Holds his arm)

XENA: Shut up! (Sighs) Gabrielle as much as I hate to say this... Joxer is right.

GABBY: I'm sorry, Pookie.

JOXER: Alright... You called me Pookie.

AUTO: Ew! (Gags) You two are making me sick.

XENA: Autolycus, be nice. (Evil laugh) Mmm, besides I think I know a good way to get back at Jett.


Jett is sleeping in a nice inn. The group sneaks up to his door and knock.

JETT: (Through the door) Who is it?

XENA: Xena and Gabrielle! (Points everyone else away) Open up.

JETT: Go away, Xena!

Xena forces the door open and she walks in with Gabrielle, Jett raises up.

GABBY: Joxer?! (Scoffs) What do you think you are doing here?!

JETT: I'm not Jox...

XENA: Shut up you son of a Bacchae! (Scoffs) Gabrielle tie him up.

GABBY: With pleasure, Xena. (Ties Jett to the bed) You've been very naughty, Joxie.

XENA: I think I need to use my whip on our love slave for running off on us.

JETT: What?! (Shocked) Wait what is this?

GABBY: I love it when he plays dumb. (Giggles) You want us both don't you?

JETT: Um, alright. (Growls) But no whip.

XENA: I give the orders here, Joxer. (Sighs) Now are you ready to be punished?

JETT: Oh yes! (Snickers) You two feel free to do anything you like.

XENA & GABBY: Minya?!

Minya walks in and Jett screams at the site of her dressed as Xena, until Gabrielle gags him.

GABBY: Jett, go near my sister again and I'll rip you apart. (Walking out) Have fun Minya.

XENA: That is if you live through this. (Walking out) Do your worst, Minya.

As the group walks out of the end they hear Jett's muffled screams. Cupid and Aphrodite wave and flash away. Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and Autolycus walk into the sunset chuckling.


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